4 days over due

Seriously? This girl was in such a hurry to join our family 9 months ago, but now she seems to be taking her sweet time. I know that 4 days overdue is really not that long. But it is 17 days longer than I was pregnant with Hannah, and my doctor thought for some reason it would be a good idea to tell me he expected the time frame would be about the same with this baby. My bishop's wife was due Sunday. She had her baby early this morning and she was 9.5 lbs. According to my doctor, my baby #2 has been bigger than Hannah was at birth for at least a month now. Which I'm totally in favor of. Hannah was so tiny. But at the same time, yikes.

Mom has been here for almost 2 weeks, just waiting. I feel like life is totally on hold while we just wait around for me to go into labor. We eat, we walk, we shop a little, we watch netflix. Stephen works. But we're all totally bored. And mom goes home in 11 days no matter how much longer we wait. That's what I feel worst about. I wouldn't be impatient at all except that it seems silly for mom to be here longer before the baby than after, and now we've reached that point. Lucky for me, my relief society is awesome, and provides 7 meals for new moms, which can start whenever I ask them to. So that's a good week that Stephen won't have to eat cold cereal and ramen for dinner after mom leaves.

I wasn't dilated at all at my 40 week appointment. Since then I've had 2 non-stress tests, and this baby is not stressed. Every morning I wake up disappointed that I didn't go into labor during the night. I've had my issues with emotionally coming to terms with the idea of two babies to take care of, but I'm as ready as I'm going to be. I'm no longer resisting the idea, or the responsibility. I'm ready to try it out. But with a little help at the beginning. Granted, I know I'm not just going to be left alone by everybody as soon as my mom leaves. I'm never alone. My husband is awesome. I have super great friends close to me who are just waiting to help out. It's just going to be easiest while mom is here. Also, every day she doesn't come is another day I won't have to recover before I hop on a plane to Maryland in less than 5 weeks from now.

Wow. I don't sound excited at all. I just sound annoyed. I don't want it to be like that, but the truth is that my excitement, while certainly present, is buried under a lot of other things that I wish could just disappear. I was only excited for Hannah - it was anxiety that I felt was missing before she came. Now it's the other way around, and I feel terrible about that. I guess that's mostly because I know now what an emotional basket case I was for at least a month after Hannah was born, and I'm not sure I can handle life like that again so soon. Yes, that's exactly it. I have no resistance or resentment or even anxiety towards having another baby. I love babies. I'm just afraid of myself. Afraid that I won't be able to take care of anyone if I'm not in control of my emotional health. But I firmly believe that everything is going to be ok when she comes and I finally get to meet her. She'll bring as much joy as Hannah did, and even more.